College Football Superiority Argument MCMLXXVII

I won’t respond to NFL columnist Cory Jones’ unwarranted attacks on America’s rich college football tradition with any gratuitous personal attacks (fat ass), because it would be unproductive (like, say, Cory Jones) to do so (thumbs his own butthole during office hours). Instead, I’ll simply substantiate the NCAA’s preeminence over the NFL as any man who doesn’t hand-sculpt his pubic hair would. Fat fucking retard. (Crap, that last part was supposed to be in parentheses.)

Back when we were seven, and losing threatened to crook our developmental paths toward a life of government assistance and rampant drug trafficking, calling everyone a winner at game’s end made good civic sense. But allowing 46 of the league’s 32 teams to taste postseason play is not only tediously Marxist, but it ultimately stunts player growth. Despite the often remedial social development of the average NFL athlete, I think he could benefit from being told that 60 percent is good for presidents and World Series champs, but not for anyone who wants to be taken seriously. Plus, the drug trafficking part’s still wildly popular anyway.

Say, who’s that disinterested, deal-closing, Burberry-clad corporo-maniacal pension rapist sitting beside you? Why, that’s no cad, that’s this team’s most valued supporter! And he’s not seated beside me, he’s lounging 45 rows up in his company’s monogrammed luxury box with his back to the game and his face in a snifter of 18-year-old brandy while minorities run adorably up and down the field as he buys and sells pork bellies valued at twice their worth over his Blackberry while pounding gourmet stadium paté. In fact, I’m not even sitting here; I’m at Sears buying a DirecTV dish so I can buy DirecTV service so I can buy NFL Sunday Ticket on DirecTV. The last real fan allowed into a Super Bowl was oscillating behind Tom Brady.

Remember the last historic regular-season NFL football game you watched? (Hint: you weren’t alive then.) The only game that stands out in the modern era is the Cardinals-Vikings game to end the 2003 season, in which Josh McCown converted a fourth-and-24 into a go-ahead touchdown to knock Minnesota out of playoff contention. College football’s had, like, 10 of those—Texas/Ohio State, USC/Notre Dame, Penn State/Michigan, etc.—this year alone. Meanwhile, all of the NFL’s most celebrated games—Ice Bowl, Music City Miracle, “The Catch”—came in the postseason, with the typical September-December game playing like a craphole Big Ten dirt dance from the late ’70s. Wake me when it’s January. Then promptly fuck off—I’m trying to sleep.

An NFL football team is not unlike Brad Pitt: taut, rippling buttocks and a fuck-’em-and-flee fickleness. You might swear undying devotion to your local money pit now, but vote against surrendering the last of your kid's chemotherapy bills to its stadium upgrades, and this
A-list budget buster will bolt for L.A. with a quickness to rival my estimated sexual endurance with Angelina Jolie. One thing you never have to worry about is watching helplessly as Virginia Tech moves to Indiana. And not just because of local sex offender registration laws.

Are you ready for some veiled homoeroticism! You’ve evaluated the NFL’s top athletes’ yardage totals, scoring percentages, and touchdowns-to-interceptions ratios for your fantasy team, now Fox NFL Sunday wants you to scrutinize their rugged good looks and firm, round end zones to fulfill all your remaining fantasies with its NFL’s Sexiest Man bracket. Terry and Howie have their stated favorites—how ’bout you! Truth told, I could probably have flattened the entire debate with this point alone, but I’ve got a word count to meet. Way to have your finger on the pulse (and in the quivering anus!) of America’s football fan, Fox!

Mr. Jones insists that college football’s emphasis unjustly lies with the coach rather than the player, as it does in the NFL. Delightfully naïve, but the National Football League’s emphasis isn’t with its on-field talent, but rather it’s on-Geritol ownership. Meddlesome, limelight-starved backbiters like Al Davis, Dan Snyder, and Art Modell have been the architects of multiple team relocations, fan gouging on everything from game tickets to practice tickets, and/or forcing ignorant personnel decisions against the better judgment of the coaches Cory Jones disdains so much. (Molested as a child?) But I will say this: NFL players do care very much about the sport. Just not as much as their signing bonuses, personal stats, press quotes, endorsement deals, trophy cases, cocaine pipelines, sexiness rankings, portfolios, pedicures, window tints.

See also:

College Football Superiority Argument No. 437