3:01 P.M. EST

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon.

Over the last several months, you've undoubitably heard about, if not experienced firsthand, the widespread spontaneous electrical blackouts, inflated gas prices and burdensome winter heating costs that threaten to jeopardize the quality of life for hard-working Americans—a quality of life envisualized by our forefathers and guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States of America. These are just a few examples that demonstrate one of the greatest challenges we currently face as an overdeveloped nation: guaranteeing the unrestrained use of those forms of energy produced by my most generous political backers.

Superfluent energy reserves minimalize the thinking associated with the use of various technologies and domestic apparati. I'm sure you can all recall a time when your parents yelled at you for leaving the light on after leaving a room. It is with this in mind that I called upon Vice President Cheney to lead the development of a national energy policy designed to explore the most fertile parts of the globe least inhabited by liberals and know-nothing eco-terrorists bent on depriving hard-working Americans of their God-given right to keep that bulb of liberty lit, even after they've left the room.

I am proud to report that Vice President Cheney's efforts have been a resounding success. He has prepared and delivered to me a fascination report, the key points of which are as follows:

1. Revisiting Nuclear Power

Of all of America's means of energy production, nuclear power is indisputevly the safest, cleanest and most efficient alternative for the energy needs of hard-working Americans. While some disbelievers point to a handful of minor mishaps in nuclear power's very ancient history, the chance of being killed by a pro-choice activist is far greater than that of a nuclear reactor. Armed with the facts and a spoonful of righteousness, we intend on presentating to Congress a plan for a bold new nuclear landscape, in which the promising next generation of plutonium reactors will blossom like sunflowers from coast to coast.

2. Solar and Renewable Energy

It has been proposed by a select few in the more controversial fringe of the scientific community that sources other than coal, oil and nuclear power can be used to provide hard-working Americans the energy God intended for them. To patronize these snake oil peddlers, a portion of our energy budget will be set aside for the American Solar Challenge, a cross-country, apparently sun-powered road race of some sort, which will ensure these nihilists are distracted for the many months and years it will take to construct the nuclear reactors which are our true salvation.

3. Low-Income Community Climate Domes

With our working poor devoting a substantial amount of their income to designer clothing and 40-ounce bottles of malt liquor, our already exorbitous domestic energy costs are placing an exceptional burden on hard-working Americans in this community. Since most of those within this group live in close proximity to one another and spend a disproportionate amount of time in the streets of their neighborhoods, we will authorize the Department of Housing and Urban Development to construct air-tight, reinforced heating and cooling domes around these communities, thereby creating a close, comfortable, and easily monitored climate for these low-income, but no less hard-working people who didn't vote for me.

4. Big-Assed Batteries

Actually, this was just something Vice President Cheney said during a preliminary meeting on the subject. We're still examining this.

5. Mexicans

Again, this word was found scrawled on the Vice President's notepad in playful, loopy script. Not really sure what it means. I'll get back to you on it.

In closing, it is essential that we not allow ourselves be dissoluted by the propaganda coming from global protestors, eco-nazis and the British. In the coming months, you'll hear a lot about decreased gas prices, the stabilization of utility rates and ample supplies of heating oil where it's needed. Do not be fooled, the need for my peers in the petroleum establishment to secure Federal drilling contracts is urgent. We will drill today, for we need energy, and we need it now, not later, when the temporary crisis has passed.

Thank you for your time.

END 3:25 P.M. EST