America´s Top (Only) Five Black Presidents

Still reluctant to vote African-American this year? Ease your fears, Jesse Helms, with our review of five men who turned the White House black.


By Jordan Burchette
Maxim.com

5. President Lindberg (The Fifth Element)

Among other curiosities surrounding a black man named Lindberg is how Deebo ascended to the nation´s highest office. But let´s see Mahmoud Amadinediddle try talking that nuclear shit with Zeus from No Holds Barred on the other side of the table.
Term highlights: You know how entrusting a New York City cab driver to get you 30 blocks means placing your life in his hands? Lindberg did that with all of humanity. That´s gangster.




4. President Tom Beck (Deep Impact)

Lost amid the talk of Barack Obama´s historic run is all memory of America´s first black president, a man who could have taken a comet-day after Wolf-Biederman flattened the Eastern Seaboard, but went to work anyway.
Term highlights: Froze wages, fixed prices, declared martial law, and authorized a lottery to determine which 800,000 Americans would constitute the future of civilization. Sounds more like Clinton policy than Obama, but whatever.




3. President Mays Gilliam (Head of State)

Ignoring Tom Beck´s accomplishments just five years earlier, Gilliam was elected "America´s first black president" in its worst black-president movie.
Term highlights: Likely taught some lame white cabinet members poignantly comic lessons in tolerance, understanding, and dance—we don´t know, we didn´t watch it. He played a convincing crackhead in New Jack City, though.




2. President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho (Idiocracy)

He knows everyone´s shit´s emotional right now, but there´s no one you´d rather have in a crisis. Mainly because he can fuck a crisis up.
Term highlights: Had the prudence to appoint a guy named "Not Sure" Secretary of the Interior, reviving crops, ending dust storms, and restoring motherfucking integrity to the office—all in one week. South Carolina, what´s up!




1. President David Palmer (24)

If America had an actual president this committed to his convictions, we´d be the United Lollipop Lands of the Gumdrop Galaxy by now. Gets additional approval-rating points for brother Wayne, an eventual president himself... and promptly loses them for having the second most annoying first lady in U.S. history.
Term highlights: Admirably averted nuclear devastation on American soil, war with three other nations, and any involvement in the show´s shitty sixth season.



See also:


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