Bats Incredible!

Compensate for your lack of natural ability by putting any one of these high-end softball bats on layaway.


By Jordan Burchette
Maxim.com

In today's cutthroat corporate climate, you need every advantage in order to distance yourself from your competition. And since there's no chance of that happening during the 40 hours you spend IM'ing octogenarian nudie pics to your friends and family each workweek, that leaves the company softball diamond as your lone remaining proving ground. Thankfully, modern science has intervened to separate the average hitter from the average hitter willing to spend hundreds of dollars to add 10 yards to his swing. Consider your athletic pacts with Satan null and void—we tested the most technologically advanced, NASA-caliber drivers designed with your lagging long ball in mind.*

* Some bats are banned in certain leagues. Check the rules of your league before blowing your rent check on a party favor.


ANDERSON TECHZILLA


Life-altering technology:

"Diamond Flex 2003" alloy shell is actually blended with zirconium diamond chips which, coupled with some Cristal, makes this the perfect bat for your next rap video.



List price:

$259.99



Feel:

Like clutching the harsh, scaly love bone of Godzilla himself, the Techzilla's handle was a little unyielding, capped by a rather small knob. The barrel is solid, if a little end-heavy.



Pop:

Find the sweet spot and the ball will definitely hump some air. Zilla's sweet spot range is pretty average for the category, but it's the least likely of all bats tested to draw a red flag from those stuffy geeks at league headquarters.



Intimidation:

Depending on whether you're playing against rival workers or against postwar Tokyo, the Techzilla will strike varying degrees of fear in the opposition with its black-mat finish, chrome caps, and optional flamethrower accessory.





MIZUNO TECHFIRE CRUSH

Life-altering technology:

Fiber-reinforced plastic over Japanese "Banzai" aluminum. (Yeah, we don't know what the hell it means, either.)



List price:

$249.99



Feel:

Like just about any girl we've ever dated, the Crush is woefully spare on cushion. There's very little sting if the ball's hit toward the end of the bat—otherwise, you could rattle a few tendons on an inside pitch.



Pop:

The Crush has a sweet spot like a G-spot. However if you do find it, it might just be the sweetest of all. While it's the most end-heavy of the field, the Crush produces a great slingshot effect as well as a gratifying thwap on contact.



Intimidation:

Much like walking into a biker bar wearing a Speedo and sequined bowtie, step to the plate with this fabulous glowing stick and you must be a bad motherfucker. Or queer as a raspberry smoothie.





WORTH SUPERCELL

Life-altering technology:

Absolutely none.



List price:

$39.99



Feel:

Originally tested to provide a baseline for our high-end clubs, the Supercell was surprisingly solid, even if it didn't always feel like it. Its cushy grip yielded far less sting than we expected. This doesn't feel like a cheap bat.



Pop:

Kinda like trying to push the pile with a 150-pound nose guard. Not very sophisticated, but a plucky bat nonetheless. Reminds us of us: not pretty, but boy is it ugly.



Intimidation:

The kids at recess won't know the difference.





DEMARINI VEXXUM

Life-altering technology:

Composite handle fused with a DX1 aluminum alloy barrel.



List price:

$189.99



Feel:

A very forgiving bat. (We made fun of its mama and it still loaned us a fiver!) With the best balance and weight distribution in its class, its reflex is rubber-band-like. Any sting is absorbed by Vexxum's pillowy grip.



Pop:

After hitting several grounders (lousy junkball pitching machines), we smacked the taste out of some long and line drives. Good for contact and power hitting, the whole bat is a sweet spot. So we tried hitting with the handle. We're not very bright.



Intimidation:

It's not much to look at, but it is numbered along the circumference to prevent denting. Rotate it one notch with each swing to avoid overburdening the same spot. Then, bathe it in a nice honey soymilk rinse, you candy ass.







MIKEN ULTRA MAXLOAD

Life-altering technology:

100 percent composite "E-Flex Ultra" construction. (It's plastic, folks.)



List price:

$189



Feel:

The Ultra's grip feels like comfy basketball skin. Combined with its fully composite barrel, swinging the Maxload is like smacking softballs with a big, spring-loaded dildo. So little sting, we sometimes didn't even know we'd made contact. (Probably because we didn't.)



Pop:

Banned by nearly every governing body in the known softball universe, the Ultra had the most jump of all bats tested. Netting ripped, grounders roared, cage staff fled in terror—we felt like Peter Parker upon discovering his superhuman strength. Then we had ice creams.



Intimidation:

Battleship gray and plastic as a Wiffle ball bat, the Ultra looks the way the Worth Supercell must feel about itself. But anything this ugly has got nothing to lose, making it the most dangerous of the bunch.