College Football Superiority Argument No. 437

By Jordan Burchette
Maxim.com
When swarthy Bo Brady stormed into church and forcibly abducted beautiful young Hope in the middle of her wedding, he did so out of the anguish that would come from seeing the love of his life marry another man. The show was Days of Our Lives, the year was 1984, and I was still hiding shit-stained Underoos from my mother (now it’s my girlfriend’s job!). But even then the allure of hollow, hyperbolic drama was too powerful for a nine-year-old to ignore. Then, once my skid marks turned into testicles, I grew the fuck up, developed a homicidal disdain for melodrama, and began inadvertently mistreating the women in my life, as is every human adult male’s wont.

But the NFL's balls never dropped. Today’s professional football player is a fragile, mollycoddled, histrionic stage queen starving for attention and acceptance like a stripper in Under Armour pasties. Sports mags now read more like Soap Digest : Jarring hits, punishing goal line dives, and clutch one-arm catches have been replaced by sideline squabbles, press-quote pugilism, and Terrell Owens crying like Urban Meyer. What is this, the NBA? Joe Namath was more man, and he wore pantyhose.

SUPERIORITY ARGUMENT NO. 92
No rainbow wig guy
I don’t know if it’s mommy issues, daddy issues, or babymomma issues, but unless your coach is Jim Tressel, that shit doesn’t fly at the college level. When Auburn kicker Damon Duval mixed it up with Tommy Tuberville on the sideline during a game against Tennessee, he lost his job. When Florida QB Terry Dean wouldn’t grinningly fellate Steve Spurrier’s ego, he lost the Heisman trophy. When Ohio State RB Maurice Clarett went Star Jones on an assistant coach…he won the national championship. But not even Tressel was willing to endure a petulant Ohi-yodel like Clarett longer than a title run.

SUPERIORITY ARGUMENT NO. 234
No UCLA Bruins of Anaheim
For better or worse (better), college coaches have complete authority over their personnel, which is why Charlie Weis is already wealthier than a Walton heir, and why Bill Callahan will soon be living off his own stored fat (for generations). When your coach makes $3.5 million and his star player can’t afford to shave (who loves ya, Throwhunk!), there is no ego conflict; fight with Coach and you’re going to lose. When Louisville WR J.R. Russell tried to get cute with Bobby Petrino during last year’s Liberty Bowl, he was put in time out until he put on his big boy pants.

SUPERIORITY ARGUMENT NO. 1
No New York team
“It's not unusual for J.R. and I to have exchanges,” Petrino said. “But I always win.”

And the best part? Just as these budding divas reach immaturity, the NCAA issues last-call on their eligibility, after which they become the NFL’s problem.

So keep your Desperate Housewives subplots, club-size stadiums, and communist 28-team playoffs, Sal Paolantonio—I’ve got real men to exploit.


See also:


College Football Superiority Argument MCMLXXVII