JoBu's Seventh Annual Defense of the BCS

I'm no more tired of answering for college football's postseason than college basketball fans are tired of trying to change it.

By Jordan Burchette
Maxim.com

We've been reminded time and again that the BCS's job is nothing more than to stage a 1-vs-2 matchup to end the college football season. And, when addressing an audience of the game's most earnest, informed, penis-wielding fans, that's usually enough. But persistent attacks from a cynical opposition now force me to take the discussion a philosophical step further, and suggest that the primary goal of the BCS is to ensure that gatecrashing, parasitic sports migrants don't steal the most meaningful regular season in all of sports from the hard-working, dues-paying Americans that have supported it for 137 years.

So I've proposed a friendly forensic. In one corner, me. In the other, any one of a number of meddling, playoff-minded, sexually-ambiguous bracketholes. May the least functionally retarded of us win!

Tom Oates, Wisconsin State Journal:

"Are there really 64 teams that belong in the postseason when Division 1-A has only 119? Unless you get worked up over Troy vs. Rice in the New Orleans Bowl or South Florida vs. East Carolina in the Papajohns.com Bowl, the answer is no... The only solution is a playoff. A 16-team bracket would still produce meaningful regular-season games and, more important, guarantee 15 compelling postseason games."

Don't any of these schnooks' televisions have an OFF button? If you're so offended by the Papajohns.com Bowl, don't watch the son of a bitch. However, I imagine the fanbases of both USF and ECU would disrespectfully disagree. They get another game, another month of NCAA-sanctioned practices, and another chance to jerk an additional drop or two from the season. And that's what these boobs fail to recognize: the bowl system isn't a conventional postseason; it's a modest reward for varying degrees of regular-season performance separate from college football's national championship. Lumping the two together is like linking Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda—and this is a war in which you ill-equipped playoff posers do not want to get mired, believe me.

And, Jesus Christ—sixteen teams? You'd be scraping your knuckles harder along the barrel bottom in search of worthy contenders than the Democrats in 2004. Besides, I'm willing to bet dollars to the 75 donuts this fat ass pounds over the course of an afternoon in the press box that he's never been "worked up" over Troy vs. anyone. But 13–18 Oakland vs. eventual champion North Carolina in the second round of the 2005 NCAA basketball tournament? Dee-lish!

Robyn Disney,
Macon Telegraph

"In playoffs, rematches happen (and) teams that play in weaker conferences have opportunities to play for a national championship."

That's right, sweetheart, and in playoffs, teams that barely won as many games as they lost during the regular season force the rest of us to smile encouragingly, like the parents of that fat child in Little Miss Sunshine, as they fumble embarrassingly to nail the talent portion of the competition while vainly sucking in their plump, gelatinous stomachs around the other, prettier contestants on stage. And yes, teams that play in weaker conferences do, in principal, have opportunities to play for a national championship under this model, they just never do. It's not Pop Warner football, dear, it's Division I-A college football, and it's not concerned with making sure each of its participants grows up feeling better about being ugly.

Bill Dwyre, Los Angeles Times

"(The BCS) satisfies sports fans' need to hate. It makes 2% of its constituency happy and the other 98% ready to slit throats…It is so flawed that we can't stop beating ourselves up over it."

Only a disaffected, misinformed turd-wit from Los Angeles with no sincere stake in the argument would suggest that 98% of all college football devotees are outraged by this year's national championship. First of all, I can guaran-goddamned-tee you not a single one of the generously-moisturized, People magazine–clutching dick sockets populating the L.A. basin is losing sleep over a development within the college football season that doesn't involve Pete Carroll's skin toner of choice.

Second, this is how real college football fans have enjoyed the game for decades, and they don't need non-residents of the sport trying to influence its legislation. You don't see me demanding changes to the World Cup. If French, Brazilian and Italian soccer fans want to be bored to tears of acid blood one month every four years, have the fuck at it.

Urban Meyer, Head Coach, University of Florida:

"I don't think it's any more a question of whether (a playoff) should happen…I think the question is whether it can be done. I think everybody is beyond whether it should. Common sense."

The current system is college football, as much as homecoming routs, pot busts, and men lying to children, and the fact that we're still engaged in this debate is proof that QuagMeyer is wrong. This is the system you signed up for when you accepted $17.2 billion to coach in Gainesville for he next 42 years, and if you're a man you'll adhere to it. The system you're looking for already exists: It's in the NFL, and if it's so goddamned important to you, the Arizona Cardinals have an opening every two years. You can pick up an application while you're in Glendale—right after you lose to Ohio State!

Jim Litke, Moron, Associated Press

"College football fans must be either lazy or dumb, or—here's a comforting thought—both…Mad as some people are about Michigan being the recipient of this season's "life-isn't-fair" award, and despite polls that have shown nine out of 10 fans, most players and even coaches want a playoff, the movement still hasn't reached critical mass."

That's the way to win hearts and minds, Jimmy Boy…the Jimster…Jimmy crack corn and I don't care…Good lord, why don't you just suggest that failing high school will net you a tour in Iraq? For all their incessant gum flapping, none of these playoff jerkoffs has yet proposed how a playoff would actually work logistically. You're not talking about 16 fan bases filling one 20,000-seat arena. A 16-team playoff would require upwards of 50,000 fans…of each school to travel every weekend…for a month…during the Christmas holiday and into the New Year…for one game. Postpone the postseason any further and you're competing with the NFL playoffs for TV pesos, against which there is no competing.

And before you can send 16 teams on this pointless endeavor, you have to decide who they'll be. Jesus is usually busy around this time of year, which means subjectivity simply rears itself here instead of where it does currently. Only these imposters won't be satisfied until it involves taking the three months of excitement currently provided by college football's regular season and Euro-sealing it into a three-week, microwave-safe Playoff Pocket for the half-assed fan on the go.

Sens. Mark Schaeur (D) and Mike Bishop (R), Michigan:

"The BCS system is clearly not working and consumers in Michigan and around the country are paying a very real price."

Couching this as a consumer protection issue could be the most valid argument yet for change. Of course, it invalidates any of the other playoff arguments ever made, which generally purport to concern themselves with the integrity of the sport. Don't kid yourselves: college football has crowned a "mythical" national champion for over 70 years, and nobody gave a speckled dump about it until it meant a multi-million-dollar payout.

Why do you think the NCAA tournament doubled its field from 32 teams to 64—because of the subtle disparity between teams 1 and 33? Villanova was the lowest seed to ever win a national college basketball championship at No. 8, roughly the equivalent of the fourth-best team in college football. And if the Gators beat Ohio State on January 8, that's exactly what you'll get! Now that everybody has won, can you shitheads quit trying to make college football something it's not? Christ, you're worse than a girlfriend.

JoBu's Seventh Annual Defense of the BCS

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