Earls of Hurl: Gaylord Perry

We grabbed a moment from each living member of baseball's exclusive 3,000-strikeout club. A moment neither of them will ever get back.

By Jordan Burchette
Maxim.com

More than just the brother of Jim Perry, Gaylord (all right, let’s just get it all out now) was the first player to win the Cy Young award in both leagues. A stickler for bending the rules, Perry is rumored to have hidden teammate George Brett’s bat from umpires following in-game allegations that it was overloaded with pine tar. He would take that lovable disregard for fair play to the mound nearly every outing, despite having been busted for junking the ball just once. We sat down with Gaylord for quite some time, not only because we wanted to hear what he had to say, but because it looked so hard for him to get back up.

Let’s cut the crap, Gaylord—are pitchers today greasing the ball more or less than they did years ago?

I didn’t know they were years ago.

Oh, so, you wanna do this the hard way, eh?

The ball is moving a great deal now, but they change balls so much these days—you foul one off and the umpire changes it right away. Sometimes we used a ball for a whole inning if they didn’t hit it out of play. Now they probably average 10 balls an inning. Used to be we’d get through a game using less then three dozen balls, because the owner’s watching and he’s gotta pay for them. Now they probably go through 10, 12 dozen balls a game, no problem. So you can’t rough it up much, get much out of it.

You win this round, Perry. But we’ve got our eye on y—hey! That’s our watch! All right, let’s just take it easy. While we’re on the subject of balls, think they’re juiced?

Before, the cover was glued on maybe two spots about as big as your thumbnail, and the hide would give. I could actually loosen the cover on the ball with my fingers—they would hit it and it wouldn’t go anywhere. Now they’ve tightened it up. They put glue all around the baseball, and the glue is like rubber—even if it’s just the little bit, it expands so that way back in the ’70s it had a little juice to it.

But when I was working in the ’60s, we had no exercise machines in the clubhouse. We had no trainers. These guys have got everything—and it’s the way it should be. Now they’re gonna hit the ball harder. They’re gonna get the bat through the strike zone quicker and this is what makes the ball go farther. They’ve done their homework, so give ’em credit.

We will, if you give us our watch back. Thank you. Now, what about this Pete Rose? Should he—

NO.

You don’t think they should let him in the Ha—

No dice.

Hmph. We can think of one all-time strikeouts leader who shouldn’t expect a Columbus Day card from the Roses this year. While we’re being all controversial, how about last year’s All-Star Game tie?

Shouldn’t have happened. The Commissioner shouldn’t have let the managers pick so many non-pitchers. Also, don’t pick pitchers that can only pitch a third of an inning. If you can’t pitch more than a third of an inning in an All-Star game, stay home. Some of the managers pick seven shortstops—you don’t need but four! The president of the league always came down and gave us a pep talk about winning the All-Star Game. It meant something to us, and I think it got less and less important.

It was a simpler time. So, who totally owned your ass?

There are a lot of those guys. Certain days there were guys like Roberto Clemente you didn’t want to face. A guy like Henry Aaron you didn’t want to face. Billy Williams hit more home runs off me than any other guy. The most embarrassing moment of my career: Bob Uecker hit a homerun off of me. Can you imagine that? You’re laughing now. It’s not funny!

We’re not laughing. We’re crying in Farsi. All right, here’s your chance to call out the guys you owned. Shout it ouuut!

I don’t think Uecker got another hit off of me in his lifetime. Some days you could get ’em out, like Clemente—you could get him out maybe three times in one game. The fourth time, you know he’s really teed off at you, you know he’s gonna hit the ball out of here, so you walk him. I used to get Reggie Jackson out easy times, and sometimes he’d hit me. So you have your days and they have theirs.

Since you only worked every five days or so, how would you make yourself useful the rest of the week? Straighten up around the clubhouse?

I would watch the other team take batting practice before it was my turn to pitch. Or, say I’m in San Francisco, and we play a day game and the Dodgers play a night game. Sometimes you could get the Dodgers game on the radio, and Vin Scully was the greatest at telling you what the hitter was doing—the hitter that was coming to your ballpark the next day. You scout them like that and get all the information you can to help you the next day. If that didn’t happen, you’d go over and hide their favorite bats before batting practice, then give them back to them the next day.

Good one, Gay. Can we call you “Gay”? Never mind. When the manager approaches the mound, how do you get him to go away?

Well first, lie to him and tell him you feel great. He knows you don’t. I always felt like I could pitch as well or better than the guy in the bullpen, so I did talk to the manager a lot trying to stay in. But as I got older—1978, I was 40 years old and won a second Cy Young in San Diego. I was 21-6. I only completed five games, but I had Rollie Fingers in the bullpen. If it hadn’t been for him I wouldn’t have won 21 games and I wouldn’t have won the Cy Young. When the manager comes out and says, “I’m bringing Rollie Fingers in,” I would just smile, and walk off.

Yeah, his name makes us giggle like a virgin gynecologist too. But if you don’t complete games, you have to train a whole breed of... well, non-starting pitchers to finish them!

If I’m the owner and my manager says he wants this here relief pitcher, I’ll give him the $5 million. If he doesn’t use him and loses, he’s gonna get fired. All the managers know that, so every club has their number one guy. The Yankees have (Mariano) Rivera, Atlanta’s got (John) Smoltz. If you’ve got (Greg) Maddux pitching eight innings and he’s done well and you got Smoltz down there ready, what’re you gonna do? You’re gonna bring Smoltz in and that’s the way its gotta be.

All right, we’ll bring in Smoltz, geez... So, what kind of shape’s your arm in now?

About 40 mph. Good change up. I might throw twice a year for fundraisers. It’s not in condition for pitching, but its still got a rhythm. You know what to do with it.

Hell, yeah, sell it on eBay! So what do you think about the designated hitter?

Well I think when it came in 1973, it was something to boost attendance in the American League. Most every club in the National League had maybe two or three attraction players that would draw fans, where sometimes in the American League they didn’t have that because they hadn’t made the right trades or signed the right people.

So it just kind of worked out that way?

Yeah, it worked out that way and the DH gave them a boost. It gave them a name player. Maybe he couldn’t play every day in the National League, but he could come to the American League and be the DH and automatically draw people.

So, what do you think?

Oh, I think it was good at the time and they will probably keep it around. It was always tougher for an American League pitcher because now he’s got to pitch against a good hitter instead of a horseshit pitcher. Sorry ’bout that.