Meat Beat Manifesto

It's time to take your hands off the chicken's throat and learn some new terms for the leading cause of hairy palms.
By Jordan Burchette
Maxim.com

The only thing more embarrassing than being caught with your hand down your pants—at least according to what we've been told—is using worn-out clichés for the despicable act. Which is why we're giving you a whole new slew of options to describe the dirtiest of deeds. "Beating the meat," "spanking the monkey," and "punching the clown" will officially be retired. In their place, we present to you these terms for pleasuring yourself—so stop pleasuring yourself and commit them to memory. (Now with reader submissions!)


Our favorites:


  • Evicting the stubborn tenant.
  • Gerrymandering the sticky district.
  • Frosting the undercooked cannoli.
  • Clubbing the baby seal.
  • Fluffing the pregnancy pillow.
  • Talking down the chubby jumper.
  • Mugging the two-inch tourist.
  • Overthrowing the tiny tyrant.
  • Indian wrestling Sacagaweiner.
  • Beheading the hairy hostages.
  • Choking up on the Louisville.
  • Liberating the milky Muslim.
  • Rolling the burrito.
  • Raising interest rates a quarter-inch.
  • Handcuffing the fugitive.
  • Paying at the pump.
  • Gutting the trouser trout.
  • Swinging the chubby truncheon.
  • Taxing the poor.
  • Deveining the shriveled shellfish.
  • Extracting the gooey platoon.
  • Emptying the spit valve.
  • Reeling in the hammerhead.
  • Chopping down the cherry tree.
  • Pulling weeds in the Garden of Breedin'.
  • Jousting Sir Galahand.
  • Reheating last night's leftovers.
  • Dusting off the drunken dwarf.
  • Milking the flaccid cow.
  • Raiding Fort Hood.
  • Snapping the Slim Jim.
  • Gladhanding the power base.


    From our readers:


  • Pounding the flounder.
    —Tom

  • Serving up some swamp-nut soup.
    —Brian

  • Taking yourself to the malt shop.
    —Walter

  • Firing the one-gun salute.
    —Curt

  • Sending a he-mail.
    —Andrew

  • Frisking Chairman Mao.
    —Dave

  • Whisking the egg whites.
    —Georgie

  • Buffing the stork.
    —Lucas

  • Tapping the yogurt keg.
    —Carl

  • Expressing your monosexuality.
    —Marcos

  • Cleaning the fireman's hat.
    —Robert

  • Playing a little five-on-one.
    —Jon

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