Showdown Iraq Drinking Game

When the bombs start dropping, you start drinking.

Whether you’re a pacifist or a warifist, undoubtedly you loves you some war. And the prospect of launching a full-scale offensive on Saddam Hussein means just one thing: beer run! And thousands dead. OK, two things.

Anyway, nothing enhances militarism like fermented grains, fruits, and vegetables. So if you don’t have the stomach for battle, perhaps you have the stomach for bourbon! After all, you can cower in fear before God and television, or you can demonstrate your support the most patriotic way we know: getting liver-witheringly drunk.

The rules:

Print out this page, set up a perimeter around the TV, and break open your liquor arsenal. All weapons of mass inebriation are accepted. Beer, wine, mustard gas—pick your poison. Then, flip on CNN, MSNBC, or Fox News, crack open a can of Sarin Bräu, and get blixed!

Take one drink when:

  • President Bush uses the word “evil.”
  • The camera pans to a visibly pained Colin Powell.
  • You see the words “Showdown: Iraq,” “Target: Iraq,” “Operation: Charbroil With Napalm Iraq,” or “Persian Gulf II: The Empire Strikes Iraq.”
  • Kim Jong Il of North Korea issues another aggression warning/cute plea for attention.
  • The studio anchor asks the foreign correspondent a question he/she has already answered.
  • Middle-class hippies take to the streets in protest with their puppets and posters and Gap jeans and angry double chai-tea soy lattes from Starbucks.
  • You hear the words “weapons of mass destruction.”
  • You unavoidably have visions of reporter Ashleigh Banfield in the porn remake of Silkwood.
  • They run footage of the last Gulf War for lack of appropriate video.
  • President Bush cites a Bible verse or invokes Jesus.
  • The French issue another daily condemnation of military action against Iraq.
  • President of France, Jacques Chirac, cashes another check from an “S. Hussein.”

    Take two drinks when:

  • You hear anything—anything at all—about Dick Cheney’s whereabouts.
  • President Bush addresses a question about the economy with an answer about national defense.
  • Geraldo Rivera draws his gun.
  • An on-location correspondent runs for cover from incoming fire.
  • A friend of yours swears that, if he could, he would personally cram a machine gun barrel into Saddam’s tongue gutter and blow his head off.
  • Bill O’Reilly blames the loss of civilian lives on gangsta rap.
  • You see a one-eyed Muslim cleric shake his hook and denounce America.
  • A Baldwin offers his unsolicited perspective on war with Iraq. (Take another if it’s on a game show or Rock ’n’ Jock challenge.)
  • Saddam Hussein cites a verse from the Koran or invokes Allah.
  • The cost for a gallon of gas grows another nickel.
  • The French and Germans grow a functioning set of testicles.

    Do a shot when:

  • They disclose Dick Cheney’s location. (Do another if it’s at Hardee’s.)
  • President Bush addresses a question about the economy with an answer about the economy.
  • Geraldo Rivera is quarantined after UN weapons inspectors mistake his musk for ricin gas.
  • Larry King invites the oldest living veteran of World War I on his show to discuss tactical military strategy.
  • Another Hollywood type takes a stand against the war while simultaneously promoting Hot and Sticky Starlets Dry Hump 3: Bone Alone.
  • You see a 1991 Saturday Night Live skit about the Gulf War and the jokes still apply.
  • You make it through an entire episode of On the Record With Greta Van Susteren. Hey, you’ve earned it.
  • You see a “Where Are They Now?” feature on Osama bin Laden.
  • Bubba Clinton appears on a chat show to campaign for president of New Iraq.
  • You get laid as a result of apocalyptic fears of the war’s outcome.
  • France and Germany demand a hand in reshaping post-war Iraq despite their previous opposition to war.

    Spring for the good stuff if:

  • We win the war in two weeks or less.

    Brush up on your Koran (or learn to cook dog, spicy North Korean–style) if:

  • We lose.